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Sketch |
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Sketch c001: |
Mother’s Day Confessionals |
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Date: |
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By: |
F.G. Hablawi |
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Draft: |
3 |
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s/fx: |
INTRO MELODY UP AND UNDER |
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Frank: |
Our moms taught us the value of honesty, and so, we here at WRSU wish to celebrate Mother’s Day by coming clean on just a few things we’ve been holding back on. So, please join us as the cast and crew of Nonproductive takes part in the first annual Mother’s Day Confessional. |
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sam: |
Mom, remember the blue vase that used to sit on our living
room table when I was growing up that our dog Chopper accidentally
broke? Well, I admit it – I broke the vase when I was playing
Power Rangers by myself inside the house.
I’m sorry. |
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Jesse: |
Hey Mom, it’s me, Jesse. Remember the time during college when I was supposed to visit you for the weekend, but I got ill and had to stay on campus? Well, the truth is that my friends and I had tickets to this movie, and well, I just couldn’t be bothered. Sorry! |
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Katie: |
Hi Mom, I just wanted to finally fess up to the tragic toilet bowl accident that claimed the lives of our beloved pet gerbils Harold and Maude. I was curious about what would happen if you mixed Ammonia and Bleach, it was totally my bad! |
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Amanda: |
Hey Mom, it’s me Amanda. Remember that time we were supposed to go see that movie, but I said that it got horrible reviews and we should probably just skip it for something else? Well, in reality it was because I already saw the movie with Jesse and his friends… I wasn’t worried about being bored watching it again or anything, it’s just that Jesse left an unsanitary condition in the theater, and I was afraid you’d notice all the Wanted Posters. Gross, huh? |
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Geoff: |
Mom, I know that all those stories I tell on the show about how horrible my childhood was kinda make you feel upset, but you realize they’re all in fun, and so does the entire listening audience. Now would you please take those naked pictures of me off your website? I’m getting some distressing emails. |
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Katie: |
Mother, I realize that I’ve missed some of your calls recently, and I just wanted to let you know that I am not avoiding you… I’m… yeah, I’m just suddenly afraid of my telephone. It’s a real clinical problem, and not an excuse, I assure you. |
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Geoff: |
Hey Mom, I just wanted to tell you that I love you and
that I have never lied to you. Well,
that’s not exactly true. That time I
told you I was Prince of the Lionmen… well, that was
actually just a character on the show.
But I am a time traveler
desperately trying to right the wrongs of history, hoping that my next leap will
be the leap home. |
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Lindsey: |
Mom, I don’t know how to say this, so I guess I’ll just have to blurt it all out. I’m not a former drug addict that turned his life around after years of rehab – that was the author of “A Million Little Pieces” – and he was full of sh*t too. |
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Sam: |
Mom, I’m sorry for all the trouble I caused you growing up
– for the late hour pickups during cheerleading practice, the huge commute
back and forth to Rutgers every weekend, and that time you served a clink in
the State Pen covering for me over that little “legal thingy”… We both know
that another round of juvie would have made such an
icky spot on my permanent record, making me only eligible for colleges like… |
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Jesse: |
Ok, Mom, about your insulin delivery… totally my fault! I just had this thing to do, and then I forgot what the string around my finger meant. Tell ya’ what, the next kidney you need is on me! (Assuming that sis hasn’t toasted hers to death with booze.) |
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Katie: |
I’m sorry I swore at you that time Mom, but… I remember having a sister, Mother, she looked just like me but she had her scar on the other side! I know you say that I just used to play with the mirror a lot as a kid, but that doesn’t explain why we have two pairs of identical booties bronzed on our mantel. Come on! |
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Amanda: |
Mom, I admit it; I was the one that broke the cookie jar when I was a kid. It’s just that you used to lock us for days in the apartment with nothing to eat, and I guess I was a little dizzy from hunger when I finally broke down and tried to eat the crumbs at the bottom of the jar. I’m sorry. |
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Jesse: |
Calling me your precious daughter Jesse growing up was NOT cool. But I guess selling all your hair to cancer kids wasn’t exactly fair either. |
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Amanda: |
Despite all the literature you keep sending me, I am not a
lesbian. I like boys. I am dating a boy right now, as a matter of
fact. I apologize
Mom, but living next to |
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Geoff: |
Mom, I respect and understand your political affiliations, and I’m sorry for jumping down your throat during the last elections… but come on! You’ve voted for Grover Cleveland for the past 20 years… the guys is pretty well dead! |
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Lindsey: |
I secretly aided all those kidnapped hitchhikers you held prisoner in the basement. I know I wasn’t supposed to touch your precious trophies, but, well… I’m sorry! |
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Sam: |
I know I was kind of a tom-boy growing up, and I always
got cuts and scrapes and the like, but I am ready to admit that those
injuries did not all come from the playground. (sigh)
When I was seven years old I enrolled in Ultimate Fighting
Championship as a kick-boxer. It was dad’s idea, please forgive me Mommy! |
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Jesse: |
I never really loved you Mom, and all those cards I gave you as a kid were loaded with my raged induced spit. There’s no punch line there, I just hate you, you cantankerous old whore! |
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Katie: |
Your suspicions were correct; I only took up tap dancing
to get on your last nerve and add to your already existent stress
disorder. I’m sorry about that. Also, I am really sorry that it made you start drinking. That was completely out of left field. |
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Amanda: |
I date ugly troglodytes to get you and your husband off my back, so get the hint already and buy me that new car! God, how many trolls do I have to be with before you start paying attention to me! |
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Katie: |
Mom, it’s a little weird that all your friends are twenty-something rappers with platinum rings and gold chains and stuff, and I admit that it always made me feel uneasy. But I suppose I acted unfairly when I discovered that Mr. T was my real father. I pity my foolish actions. |
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Sam: |
I know we spent thousands of dollars on therapy to handle my “cutting problem” but I am now ready to confess that in reality that was all just raspberry jelly. But in all fairness you had to see your face whenever I had one of my “sad accidents”! |
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Geoff: |
Whenever you gave me Ovaltine as a kid, I would secretly spike it with Bosco. Screw the vitamins, I’m a man who values flavor! |
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lindsey: |
(Sigh) The red wire Mom, snip the red wire, that’s where I fused the explosive devise in. And, I’m sorry. |
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Frank: |
Hey Mom, it’s me, your son, Frank. I’d really like to apologize for all the lies I’ve told you over the years. Specifically, as you’ve probably already guessed… I… I’ve been lying about what I’ve been up to every Monday night. I’m not actually a crack fiend like you’ve been bragging to all your friends. I’ve been doing college radio. I’m sorry. |
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