A NonProductive Blog

Ohmigod!

Some words leave a bitter, putrid taste in one’s mouth and spur so much anger and frustration that one is forced to void his or her bowels as a way to expunge the hate.  For me, that word is feminism. 

Before I continue, I must disclose that I am an average female born and raised in the great state of New Jersey.  That being said, I must now disclose my belief that without feminist movements, our country would not be the economic abortion it is today.  Allow me to start with a brief history lesson.  Back in the day, some lonely, unattractive women “wanted” to go to work, vote, and own property.  Some other lonely, unattractive women joined the cause and soon there was an amendment passed, women went to college, got jobs, and some other Birkenstock-worthy b***shit occurred.  Women had all these new rights and responsibilities.

How dare these bitches speak for me!  Who are they to decide that I should get a job, go to college, and inherit rampant credit card debt that comes with ownership of property.  If it were up to me, I would wake up each morning, see my fiancé off to work, clean my house, make him dinner, and make lots of babies.  That is what I want to do and my right to do so has been taken away by these bitches who would consider me lazy and ungrateful of their efforts to choose such a path.

Consider the following:  If the majority of women chose to be housewives instead of career driven maniacs, there would be more jobs available today for men.  Unemployment would drop dramatically.  Women would be out shopping for groceries and other things with their husbands’ monies thus driving the economy.  Let’s face it, being housewives would be the best thing we could do for our country.  Step up, make a sandwich, and be a patriot today!

~Sam

Ohmigod! 

It has been a substantial amount of time since my last post but the fact of the matter is that I have a “successful” radio show for which I can use to vomit my opinion all over you on a weekly basis.  Despite that fact, I have stumbled across a valuable piece of information that I simply must share. 

Last week, I made an argument that Avatar was not the highest grossing movie of all time due to the outrageous price of a ticket to see said movie which, I am being told, is now set at 14 virgins.  After giving consideration to ticket inflation, Gone with the Wind was found to be the highest grossing domestic film of all time.  I was met with varying degrees of protest.  John Q. Minus in particular was riding Avatar’s dick so hard that he himself was turning blue.  He brought up some argument claiming that several movies had “multiple theatrical runs” and that I could not “put them on the same level as Avatar” because that film only had one run. 

F**k him! 

Upon further investigation, I found a way to determine which movies on my list only had one theatrical run and I am proud to present the adjusted grosses for this new list.  Read it and weep suckers: 

That’s right!  A film that cost millions to make was beat out by Julie Andrews singing about whiskers on kittens.  Think about it while you cry about that Oscar loss and masterbate to pictures of CGI lizard people looking things…what the hell are they supposed to be anyway??? 

So Long, Farewell  <3

Sam “I Have Confidence” Little

Ohmigod! 

It has nearly been a year since I’ve gotten around to posting to the NonProductive Blog.  To be honest, I had far better things to do such as sleep, play flash games, and clip coupons, however, like a cancer on the ass end of America, I have returned anxious to share depressing news. 

Despite having a luscious rack, fine booty, and all-around humble outlook on life, I, Samantha Little, may be unemployed come January.  To be honest, it is the fault of others and my misfortune that I am related to them.  Thankfully, some smart investments and my “great intuition” that told me to pull my money out of Bear Sterns mere hours before the company collapsed, has enabled me to sustain life for a least a week before I need to seek a new job.  I have therefore decided to present to the NonProductive audience a list of seven things I will do during said week of unemployment. 

Monday:  Be a Bitch.  The day hated by almost all will become my day to add to their piss-poor lives.  I will go to every store and restaurant to bitch about anything possible in order to receive discounts.  At the end of the day if I have saved at least $100 through bitching, I will donate a puppy for animal testing. 

Tuesday:  Cut ties with old friends.  Productive members of society are no longer needed to help provide entertainment to me.  Hanging out with that homeless guy outside of Dollar Tree and panhandling is all the entertainment I need. 

Wednesday:  Write All About It!  Newspapers, bloggers, and tv stations love to hear about misfortune.  I want to be a part of the action and milk it for all its worth! 

Thursday:  Facebook.  Garner sympathy by informing the world of my unemployment through a Facebook status post.  I will follow up with wall posts. 

Friday:  Buy entire roll of scratch off lottery tickets.  It pays to dream and why not dream away by squandering the last of my savings on an entire roll of scratch offs.  I’ll be sure to recycle my dreams in the appropriate receptacle since it awesomely cool to care about the planet and those who are wasteful are the only people more hated than the unemployed.

Saturday:  Write a Book.  I will spend Saturday writing a best selling autobiography of my experience as an unemployed leech on the skin of society.  I will use graphic imagery to further ‘pound’ the message of my hardships into the supple cockle region mind of the reader. 

Sunday:  Steal.  Like that Taco Bell commercial, I will go around to businesses and abuse the take a penny/leave a penny tray.  With the money, I will head west searching for a better life or purchase heroin, whichever will bring happiness first. 

Wow!  Dollar Tree….bitching…Facebook…cocaine!  Being unemployed looks pretty awesome!  Let me starting writing a blog about it now! 

<3

Sam “Got a Dollar” Little

Ohmigod!

Tired of your blackness? Want to step into the fun, exciting world of white culture? Now you can! In as little as two weeks, you can go from a large afro female to a large white woman! Operators are standing by!

In all seriousness folks, I was taking in some internet literature earlier today when I came across this banner ad. Usually I do not give these ads a second glance but I immediately felt the urge to share it with as many people as possible. I have copied and pasted it…it is not doctored at all. Rest assured that this is also a serious, legit ad and not some type of crazy paint experiment. I demand that someone respond to it asking how they can make this incredible change.

Click on the pic to get the full screen view. You shant be disappointed!

Change has indeed come to the African American community.

Till Next Time,

xoxo Samantha “What the Hell Google” Little

Ohmigod! 

Although the NonProductive Crew hates my love for High School Musical, I know they secretly dig it too!  Study the above pic and then click ‘Fabulous’! 

I know that my NonProductive crew will probably burn me at the stake for this abortion , but hey they can kiss my ass.  I’m the best Microsoft Painter ever and nothing makes me feel better than showing off! 

I know you’ll love it!

Fabulous!

<3

Samantha “I’m clearly Sharpay” Little

Ohmigod! 

After checking out the latest NonProductive video on youtube, consider sticking around to watch the following abomination. 

My nephew was watching some delightful children’s programming earlier and this theme song came on.  Please do not ask what is going on in this video for I have no sh*tting idea. 

Sterilization Possible 

Happy Youtube Surfing, 

<3 

Samantha “Was He on Celebrity Fit Club” Little

The Wizard of Oz turns 69 *giggles* this month!  In honor of this milestone, NonProductive is happy to present this fine South Park/NonProductive/Wizards of Oz catastrophe!  Click and Enjoy!

Lots of Love <3

Samantha “Somewhere Over the Rainbow Click Bathrooms Have Lights” Little

Ohmigod Boys and Girls!

It has finally happened! I am officially over “The Dark Knight,” “Batman,” and “Heath Ledger” (God rest your soul but I’m tired of hearing about your movie).

It has been almost a month and everywhere I go there is some jackass talking about how great, or horrible, this movie was.  I did not ask for your opinion because I really do not give a crap.  The main reason I would see this movie would be to stare at the chiseled chest of one Christian Bale. He is SOOOO dreamy but, in all honesty, I can watch him sing and dance in a Disney movie directed by Kenny Ortega, the same director/ choreographer/ genius behind High School Musical, in a little blockbuster called NEWSIES. This 1992 film broke records too…in my heart. It combined singing, dancing, snappy wardrobes, news, and William Randolph Hearst.  If I was a critic I would give this movie a gold…no…a platinum record for its historically accurate depiction of newsboys at the turn of the century.

The mass media is not helping matters at all.  Everywhere I go I keep hearing the same annoying questions:       

• “What record will it ’shatter’ next?”
• “Will The Dark Knight surpass Titanic?“
• “Will Heath win the Oscar?”
• “Where are all the ‘POW’ word bubbles?”
• “Why did EA Games make a video game to accompany the film?”
• “Who will be in the sequal?”
• “Why do fools fall in love?”

All tired, over-explored questions that seek to see into the future or explain completely irrational obsessions with the ‘popular’ 1960’s television series.In a desperate attempt to escape all the Jonas Brother type fawning over this film, I looked up the top movies of all time on IMDB.  I immediately felt depressed as I realized that only Americans are really digging this film.  While The Dark Knight is currently #3 on the list of the highest grossing films in the U.S. and is poised to surpass the original Star Wars, it has yet to break the top 30 in the worldwide category or the top 100 in the non-U.S. listing.  If it was not so out of character for myself, the All-American princess, I would leave this country over the stupidity some of our media outlets and fellow comic book nerds are displaying.  Move on because clearly the rest of the world has.

This is not an act, I really am pissed off about this film and therefore will never see it or enjoy it.  I will now answer all of the pressing questions I listed above that have been plaguing our media outlets:

• “What record will it ’shatter’ next?” Sorry Star Wars; that record you set in 1977 is no match for the power of Batman Losers.
• “Will The Dark Knight surpass Titanic?” That movie that is the top grossing film of all time across all markets?  Yeah, Batman you can only hope to be on the top of every list known to man.
• “Will Heath win the Oscar?” I find it doubtful but that’s just me.
• “Where are all the ‘POW’ word bubbles? Some ass in special effects forgot them.
• “Why did EA Games make a video game to accompany the film?” No one really wants to be obsessed with this film. Nerds are only seeing it because it is what all the popular kids are doing.
• “Who will be in the sequel?” Not The Joker.
• “Why do fools fall in love?” Good Movie!

That’s it kiddies. You may start hating on me now…you Batman nerds!

<3

Samantha “I Heart Titanic” Little

Ohmigod!

Everything seems so serious lately.  Elections and environmental protection have gone to being belittled around the water cooler to topics that require thought and focus.

F*ck that!

Comedy is what makes life great!  Today I was watching an episode of “Family Guy” when a so called really offensive song played.  It was hilarious!  So NonProductive fans, I pass this comedy onto you.  May you find it as enjoyable as I did.

A Tale of the American West  

Peace, Love, and Comedy,

Samantha “I’m Voting for Adam West” Little

Ohmigod!

It’s no secret NonProductive fans that I am not a “Cloverfield” fan.  I have no intention of seeing this film for two big reasons.  One, monster movies are lame.  Two, it looks pretty damn icky from my fabulously girly POV.

Nevertheless, I know when I have a duty to save someone from embarrassment.

According to a Sci Fi post, “Cloverfield” director Matt Reeves has said that a sequel to the 2007 film is currently on hold until the filmmakers “can come up with an idea as interesting as the original.”

SPOILERS:  I didn’t see the film by from what I understand isn’t it implied that everyone is kinda killed by some lame-ass monster.  Some ideas that have been thrown around involve a prequel that follows the monster pre-NY City attack.  Last time I checked watching eggs hatch was not all that exciting.  Another idea involved following the same night with different characters.  The film would be called “Cloverfield 2″  “Cloverfield.”

Big hint to the super hotshot director:  if you have to put a sequel on hold so you can think of something interesting and original to write about, chances are you should ditch the project entirely.  My co-hosts will probably disagree but I’m cooler than them so my opinion matters more.

I have said on the show before that some movies should never be messed with and despite never seeing this film, I believe it is one of them.  “The Blair Witch 2″ tried to ride the unexpected hit wave and that wave broke on the shore of broken dreams.   Sometimes you should just quit while you are ahead.

Till Next Time,

Samantha “Looking Out for the Greater Good” Little