Sam, Lindsey, and Frank dive deep into what made the 80s memorable. We’ll explore the good, the bad, and the just plain ugly on this weeks episode of NonProductive. Tune in from 8-10p on Thursday for a little nostalgia and a lot of laughs. Hell, if VH1 can do it - we can do it better!
http://community.hearnewbrunswick.com/group/NonProductive
Listen to the podcast here!
Sam, Lindsey, and Frank dive deep into what made the 80s memorable. We’ll explore the good, the bad, and the just plain ugly on this weeks episode of NonProductive. Tune in from 8-10p on Thursday for a little nostalgia and a lot of laughs. Hell, if VH1 can do it - we can do it better!
http://community.hearnewbrunswick.com/group/NonProductive
Listen to the podcast here!
IMPORTANT! Lindsey is talking.
On Tuesday April 8th, 2008, VH1’s “Best Week Ever” managing editor Alex Blagg posted a top ten list entitled “Top 10 Tips For Writing An Awesomely Funny Top 10 List On The Internet.” That, of course, gave me the inspiration to write the following amazingly questionable-at-best Top Ten list. VH1, I blame you!
Top 10 Reasons NonProductive Should be Taken Off the Air – Immediately!
10.) BLIND DRIVER STORIES
I mean - do we look for stories about blind drivers? There CANNOT be that many of them in the world, yet somehow we have managed to have multiple - that’s right – more than one story about blind drivers. I’m calling shenanigans at this point. Either the stories are fake or we go out of our way to find them and put them on the air. Bad journalism, my friends. Bad journalism.
9.) GIGGLING RETARD SYNDROME PROMO
Now, there may be some of you out there that have no idea what the GRS promo is. Well, that means only one thing - you don’t listen to the show. Like never. Like not for even 13 seconds once because you accidentally stumbled upon hearnewbrunswick.com on Thursday night, probably high or drunk, looking for some YouTube video about a sneezing panda or something. We play the GRS promo all the time. Why? We’re too lazy to actually record another promo. And it’s funny, I guess, to those born with no sense of humor. Sure, make fun of the dumb girls who can read their lines.
8.) BLATENT RACISM, SEXISM, AGISM…
I mean it. How the hell do we get away with some of the things we say? Is it because we’re cute, innocent girls? Then what is Frank’s excuse, or mine for that matter? Do we really hate everyone? It’s possible. But we haven’t gotten hate mail, yet, which means only one thing - we’re not nearly offensive enough.
7.) SERVER STORIES
You get it. Sam and I are servers. You get it. We hate our jobs. You get it. We hate kids, teenagers, lover birds, old people, young people, all people, those who can’t tip, those who can’t order, water no ice drinkers, menu item modifiers, large parties with split checks, small parties with split checks, and, well, the list goes on, but I guess you get the point. So, why do we spend so much time on our server stories? Well, it’s what we know and what we do. Besides, we have the mic. Take us off the air if you don’t like it. Oh, I guess that what this list is about. My bad.
6.) HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL
I agree, plain and simple. Make it end. Relieve us from our misery!
5.) RICK ROLLING
For those of you that haven’t heard the show recently, we have ventured into the world of Rick Rolling. If you don’t know what Rick Rolling is at this point, then you’ve obviously been living under a rock for the past month and, in doing so, have definitely let Rick Astley down. Nonetheless, Rick Rolling has become a very popular prank on NonProductive. So, popular, in fact that we’ve Rick Rolled more than our fair share of people. More offensively, however, is that we have now resorted to using the song as our bumper music, A LOT. I guess we’re just “never gonna give it up.”
4.) SAM + LINDSEY + FRANK
The Trifecta. The devilish trio. Partners in crime. A laundry list of terms that mean one thing. Cancer. No, wait, I mean a trio of radio personalities that give you cancer - I think. The foul things that come out of our mouths are enough to make even the strongest man break down and cry like the red-headed step child he is. Really. Give it a try - if you dare - you little pansy.
3.) THE LOUD IDIOTS
Even Sam and I are sorry about this one. Don’t get me wrong, we love the guys – but, like you, we know that when the Loud Idiots and Frank get together, a conglomerate of comic book, wrestling, movie, and cartoon knowledge take over, and those unfamiliar quickly get bitch-slapped by terms unknown to the common man.
2.) MANOS, THE HANDS OF FATE
I should have known that NonPro was doomed after watching Manos, the Hands of Fate, with the crew, voluntarily. It takes a sick, twisted mind to try to watch something like that - and those sick twisted minds do a radio show, every Thursday night from eight to ten.
1.) TOP TEN LISTS
Top Ten lists are frequently used on NonPro – Top Ten Sexiest Jobs, Top Ten Best Alternate Endings to Harry Potter, Top Ten Reasons to not be a Radio Personality - you get the point. Why? They usually aren’t funny and the top one choice is usually a big disappointment - much like this one. Thanks for wasting your time.
Good evening and welcome to NonPro News. My name is Lindsey Saultz, and here are tonight’s top stories.
A Japanese biker rode for about a mile with one leg. And yes, he did begin the journey with all of his limbs attached.
The 54-year-old office worker was out on his motorcycle with his friends when he mishandled a turn and crashed into a safety barrier. The collision severed his leg below the knee, but the cyclist had no idea until he came to the next junction, where his friend pulled up next to him, holding his leg!
AWKWARD!
In other news, the “Duct Tape Bandit” has stuck, I mean struck again.
A twenty-four year-old man in Ashland, Kentucky walked into a liquor store on Friday to rob it. His disguise – a head wrapped in duct tape.
Store employee Craig Miller chased the man into the parking lot, tackled him and held him in a chokehold until the police came.
Kasey G. Kazee was charged with first-degree robbery. In an interview with WSAZ-TV, he denied being the bandit who robbed the store of two rolls of change.
Unfortunately for him, he still had a piece of duct tape stuck to his ear. Woopsies!
In other news, there’s a reason people think Wiccans are crazy – and that reason is a 42-year-old woman in Waukesha, Wisconsin.
Brenda K. Barney faces charges of disorderly conduct and resisting arrest after neighbors complained she was disturbing then with chants around a bonfire she had built ten feet from her home.
When the police arrived after midnight on Tuesday, they heard a woman yelling and found her wearing headphones, a T-Shirt, and underwear.
At one point, police said she poured lighter fluid on the bonfire, in which she was burning rubber car mats and a cooler.
Barney refused to cooperate with police, was belligerent, and her breath smelled of alcohol, said police.
Barney says the police were infringing on her religious beliefs since she was performing a ritual under the new moon.
A religion where you can run around a bonfire in your underwear late at night, yelling, burning trash, and drinkin’ booze? Come on, when did we allow Mississippi to start a new religion? Bad idea, America. Bad idea!
Now, all of you dedicated NonPro listeners should know by now that we love stories about blind drivers – almost as much as I love cute puppies!
Puppy Hit By Car
Damn it, Frank. Moving on, as we teased last week, it’s about time for NonPro to have our own “Blind Driver Theme Music”. Here it is. Enjoy. And thank us later.
And finally, in Eastonia, a man was arrested this week for driving drunk - and blind - again. According to police, and NonProductive, this was the second time this week he had been arrested for driving drunk – and blind.
Spokeswoman for the Tartu police district said he was drunk and there were three people in the car with him giving him directions.
The man faces thirty days in jail this time around. He and his friends also must do community service work, including a “Friends Don’t Let Friends Drive Blind” public service announcement.
And that concludes this week’s episode of NonPro news. For the NonPro team, I’m Lindsey Saultz. Thanks for tuning in and stay weird world.
Good Evening and welcome to NonPro News. My name is Lindsey Saultz and here are tonight’s top stories.
The Republicans are at it again. A planned Republican fundraiser in New Hampshire aims to promote gun ownership.
How?
By letting supporters fire off military strength weapons. For the low, low price of twenty-five dollars, the Manchester Republican Committee is allowing party members to spend a day trying out automatic weapons.
Democrats are upset about the event. They think it is in poor taste amid a spike of violent crimes in Manchester.
The organizer of the event, Jerry Thibodeau, disagrees. He said, “It’s a fun day. It’s a family day.”
A family day? Seriously, when did New Hampshire become a southern state?
In other news, a store in a small town in Eastern Germany didn’t miss a beat when a slender, blonde woman entered the story in the nude.
Ines Swoboda, an employee at the gas station that the mystery woman visited, said it’s happened before. “I wasn’t surprised because she’s come in naked before – she’s a very nice woman.” Additionally none of the other customers were bothered.
In all fairness, she wasn’t completely naked – she was wearing a thin gold bracelet and gold stilettos.
Always match your accessories ladies – even if that’s all you’re wearing.
And finally, Mexicans are taking over the world – with the siesta that is. The Parliament of the Republic of Hungary is looking to make a law about introducing the midday nap.
Eight million voters in Hungary may soon be asked to vote on a bill to introduce the siesta. The National Election Committee ruled late Monday that it was fit for referendum. Proponents of the bill have collected two hundred thousand signatures to force the referendum.
Since democracy came to Hungary after the fall on communism in 1989, there have been frequent referendums. Only two have passed though, the one on joining NATO and the European Union.
It’s a surprise that their referendum proposal about making beer free in restaurants failed.
Oh wait, no it’s not. Gotta love their spirit though.
And that concludes this week’s NonPro News. For the NonPro team, I’m Lindsey Saultz. Thanks for tuning in and stay weird world.
Good Evening and welcome to NonPro news. My name is Lindsey Saultz and here are tonight’s top stories.
We’ve known for a while that the German’s were an intolerant bunch, but it wasn’t until Monday that the world found out just how intolerant. A bus drive in Lindau reinstated the “move to the back of the bus” law. However, cleavage, not skin color, was the basis for discrimination.
A twenty-year old sales clerk was asked to move because she was too sexy. She reported that the driver said, and I quote.
“Your cleavage is distracting me every time I look into my mirror and I can’t concentrate on the traffic. If you don’t sit somewhere else, I’m going to have to throw you off the bus.”
I wonder if that can be held up in a court of law. If he crashed the bus, who would be at fault? Could her ta-tas be used as a legitimate reason, like say rain or snow, for his lack of attention to the road? Hmmm…
Seems to me that some ones are a little too into Carrie Underwood. See, even good ‘ole country music turns people to the dark side. Who woulda thunk?
They found a pistol, a knife, whiskey flasks, set of false teeth, two dog skulls, and a blade from a set of sheep shears.
Project Archeologist John Foster said, “It might be an early crime scene. It looks like two dogs were decapitated. Then, whoever did it dumped the skulls and the blades in the outhouse. He was probably sure someone wouldn’t look too deep into the privy.”
Well, even back then they flushed their pets down the john. A tradition that persists generation after generation I guess. Maybe it’s just me, but I always thought it disturbing. Seeing poor little Jerry swirling in the throne and being sucked away.
Anyway, that is going to conclude tonight’s NonPro news. For the NonPro team, I’m Lindsey Saultz. Thanks for tuning in and stay weird world.
Good Evening and welcome to NonPro News. My name is Lindsey Saultz and here are tonight’s top stories.
Only flightless birds and properly cared for electrical wires can prevent forest fires. On Monday, a bird, which caught fire after it flew into exposed elements from an electrical wire, may have started a two-acre wildfire.
Pitkin County Deputy Joe Bauer said, “the bird got zapped when it hit one of those things they call a terminator. Then it fell, probably on fire, right at the base of one of those poles.”
Brilliantly put. Sounds like they know exactly what happened. The only proof is a chard bird on the ground. Great.
In other news, in Germany, police thought they too would have to solve the mystery of a dead body. This time, though, the body was a man’s.
Neighbors were complaining about a nasty smell seeping into the stairwell of an apartment building and alerted police. The shutters on the apartment had been closed for more than a week and the mailbox was filled with uncollected mail.
However, upon entering the apartment, police found nothing but a sleeping man with smelly feet and a pile of dirty clothes.
Sir, you know you have a problem when you stink so badly that your neighbors think your dead and decaying. Bathe yourself, for everyone’s sake.
And finally, feminists in Pamplona Spain are advocating for the well being of cows. Either that, or they are trying to change the rules of a long tradition so they too can be accommodated.
Women are trying to get their own version of the bull-running festival. Theirs would involve cows. Their reasoning, “cows want to run”.
Their manifesto reads “Cows, as well as bulls, have four legs and a natural instinct to run. An encierro for cows would put Pamplona at the vanguard of traditional fiestas with equality for men and women.”
Men and women? I thought they were advocating for cows. Or are they using the well being of the cows to parallel their own equality. Are they comparing men and women to bulls and cows? So women are cows.
BEAT
Ok, I officially do not approve.
And now, a special report. In NonProductive’s never-ending search for truth, we must sometimes go out into the wider world. We now bring you Jesse Baruffi, wandering reporter. Jesse?
Thanks Jesse, and good luck with Harmione, and the well story, I guess. And that concludes this week’s NonPro News. For the NonPro team, I’m Lindsey Saultz. Thanks for tuning in and stay weird world.
Good Evening and welcome to the Fourth of July edition of NonPro news. My name is Lindsey Saultz and here are tonight’s top stories.
At the Liberty Street Carryout, the National Anthem has become a daily phenomenon for the diners many patrons.
Waitress Judy Hawkins began singing the anthem several months ago. She sang along to a local radio station’s noon broadcast of the “Star-Spangled Banner” – which is the national anthem for you ignorant and/or foreign people.
The tradition stuck and now it’s a growing ritual. Hawkins said “We just think it’s good to honor the ‘Star-Spangled Banner’. The public enjoys it. They stop eating and join in.”
Really?!? Sing-a-long dining?!? If my waitress started singing, I would get up and leave…without paying the bill… and without tipping…and possibly without keeping myself from vomiting.
In less nauseating news, apparently the Canadians suck more than we originally thought. According to a poll released on Friday, most Canadians know so little about their country that they would flunk the basic citizenship test.
Only four percent of the citizens knew the requirements needed to be eligible to vote. Only a third, could identify the number of provinces and territories. By the way people, America has fifty states. Consider yourself informed.
A similar survey was taken in 1997, and forty-five percent of the citizens failed the test. This year, Canada proved that it will not be out done, even by itself, clocking an impressive sixty percent failure rate.
Additionally, they refuse to be outdone by the ignorant Americans as well. Though America has an impressive team of citizens who are completely clueless, Canada seems to be on it’s way to taking the crown. Well..
SOT: “F**K you Canada”
And finally, the hottest story of the day.
On the day to celebrate our independence and prove our worth of being a free nation, we earned a trophy. Well, actually, twenty-three-year-old Joey Chestnut from California did. Chestnut beat six-time Nathan’s hot dog eating champion Tackeru Kobayashi by a slim margin. Take that Japan.
Chestnut consumed a record setting sixty-six hot dogs in twelve minutes. That’s one every 10.9 seconds - for you mathematically challenged Americans.
However, Kobayashi didn’t leave completely shamed. He beat his own record by nine and a half dogs. And, in all fairness, Kobayashi was not completely fit for the competition. He recently had a wisdom tooth pulled and was receiving physical therapy. He will be in better shape for next year’s competition, which he promises to compete in.
We now have Nathan’s hot dog eating champ on the phone for an interview. Hello Mr. Chestnut.
Mr.Chestnut?
BEAT
Hello Sir. Are you there?
BEAT
Ok, we’ve just received word that Joey Chestnut has slipped in to a sodium induced food coma. He will not be able to take questions for a few days. Congratulations Joey.
And I would also like to congratulate America for producing the most gluttonous competitor in the world. But you already knew that America.
And that’s going to wrap it up for this week’s NonPro News. For the NonPro team, I’m Lindsey Saultz. Thanks for tuning in and stay weird world.
Good Evening and welcome to NonPro news. My name is Lindsey Saultz and here are tonight’s top stories.
The Associated Press reports that Television character Herman Munster has become one of the most recent victims of identity theft. Crooks in an underground chat room for selling stolen credit card numbers and personal information used Munster’s information to apply for a credit card.
The address on the card reflected Munster’s television address, 1313 Mockingbird Lane. Also, Munster’s birthday was listed as August 15th, 1964, very near the shows initial air date in September 1964.
Evidence shows that the thief, know as “supra”, was from overseas. Apparently, he had no idea that Herman Munster was, in fact, a fictional character, or that the show has been off air for years.
In other news, the Associated Press reports that the eight-year old, hermaphroditic, two-headed snake that was the main attraction at the World Aquarium has passed. We, the snake, was expected to only live for a week or two.
We’s handler, Leonard Sonnenschein, said millions of people have seen the snake throughout the years. Children were particularly excited to see how the snake would try to move in two different directions at the same time.
Sonnenschein said they wanted to try to breed the snake with another two-headed snake this summer. They had tried in the past, but it was unsuccessful. The female head wasn’t feeling well that night.
We will be preserved and put on display at the Aquarium within the week.
Another slithery creature is making the news this week. The Associated Press reports that hagfish, a slimy bottom feeder with teeth on its tongue, is actually considered an aphrodisiac in South Korea. The creature, which had a cameo on “Fear Factor” is sought out by men that seek the Viagra-like effects they believe the hagfish help produce. The market for this fish has increased in the past year, especially on the west coast. Frank is out in California now with more.
Frank: Thanks Lindsey. It’s true, these repulsive creatures are helping the West Coast’s fish market. Four years ago, California was barely exporting hagfish. Now, they are catching about 150,000 pounds a year.
<to the side> What’s that? Oh really? Great!! <on Mic> Wow, they have prepared some hagfish for me to try right now. Oh wow, that looks terrible. <eating noises>
Lindsey: So, how does it taste?
Frank: Wow, this is pretty terrible. I don’t know how they can eat this on a regular basis. For NonPro news, this is Frank Hablawi, back to you in New Jersey.
Lindsey: Thanks Frank, and enjoy the rest of the hagfish.
Frank: Oh I will. By the way, what are you wearing?
Lindsey; Wait, what?!? I don’t think that’s very appropriate Frank. Come on.
Frank: Yeah, sorry about that. Well, then what’s Sam wearing?
Lindsey: Nothing.
Frank: Nothing!?!
Lindsey: No, wait, she’s wearing something. I meant we should stop talking about this. I’m trying to do serious news here.
Frank; Well, you can do the news naked. The Canadians do it.
Lindsey: You really want to be like the Canadians? <off mic> Quick, cut his mic! That’s going to be all for Naked News, I mean NonPro News. Thanks to Frank Hablawi and Sam in Production. For the NonPro Team, I’m Lindsey Saultz, thanks for tuning in and stay weird world.
