A NonProductive Blog

Ohmigod! 

It has nearly been a year since I’ve gotten around to posting to the NonProductive Blog.  To be honest, I had far better things to do such as sleep, play flash games, and clip coupons, however, like a cancer on the ass end of America, I have returned anxious to share depressing news. 

Despite having a luscious rack, fine booty, and all-around humble outlook on life, I, Samantha Little, may be unemployed come January.  To be honest, it is the fault of others and my misfortune that I am related to them.  Thankfully, some smart investments and my “great intuition” that told me to pull my money out of Bear Sterns mere hours before the company collapsed, has enabled me to sustain life for a least a week before I need to seek a new job.  I have therefore decided to present to the NonProductive audience a list of seven things I will do during said week of unemployment. 

Monday:  Be a Bitch.  The day hated by almost all will become my day to add to their piss-poor lives.  I will go to every store and restaurant to bitch about anything possible in order to receive discounts.  At the end of the day if I have saved at least $100 through bitching, I will donate a puppy for animal testing. 

Tuesday:  Cut ties with old friends.  Productive members of society are no longer needed to help provide entertainment to me.  Hanging out with that homeless guy outside of Dollar Tree and panhandling is all the entertainment I need. 

Wednesday:  Write All About It!  Newspapers, bloggers, and tv stations love to hear about misfortune.  I want to be a part of the action and milk it for all its worth! 

Thursday:  Facebook.  Garner sympathy by informing the world of my unemployment through a Facebook status post.  I will follow up with wall posts. 

Friday:  Buy entire roll of scratch off lottery tickets.  It pays to dream and why not dream away by squandering the last of my savings on an entire roll of scratch offs.  I’ll be sure to recycle my dreams in the appropriate receptacle since it awesomely cool to care about the planet and those who are wasteful are the only people more hated than the unemployed.

Saturday:  Write a Book.  I will spend Saturday writing a best selling autobiography of my experience as an unemployed leech on the skin of society.  I will use graphic imagery to further ‘pound’ the message of my hardships into the supple cockle region mind of the reader. 

Sunday:  Steal.  Like that Taco Bell commercial, I will go around to businesses and abuse the take a penny/leave a penny tray.  With the money, I will head west searching for a better life or purchase heroin, whichever will bring happiness first. 

Wow!  Dollar Tree….bitching…Facebook…cocaine!  Being unemployed looks pretty awesome!  Let me starting writing a blog about it now! 

<3

Sam “Got a Dollar” Little

Ohmigod!

Tired of your blackness? Want to step into the fun, exciting world of white culture? Now you can! In as little as two weeks, you can go from a large afro female to a large white woman! Operators are standing by!

In all seriousness folks, I was taking in some internet literature earlier today when I came across this banner ad. Usually I do not give these ads a second glance but I immediately felt the urge to share it with as many people as possible. I have copied and pasted it…it is not doctored at all. Rest assured that this is also a serious, legit ad and not some type of crazy paint experiment. I demand that someone respond to it asking how they can make this incredible change.

Click on the pic to get the full screen view. You shant be disappointed!

Change has indeed come to the African American community.

Till Next Time,

xoxo Samantha “What the Hell Google” Little

Ohmigod! 

After checking out the latest NonProductive video on youtube, consider sticking around to watch the following abomination. 

My nephew was watching some delightful children’s programming earlier and this theme song came on.  Please do not ask what is going on in this video for I have no sh*tting idea. 

Sterilization Possible 

Happy Youtube Surfing, 

<3 

Samantha “Was He on Celebrity Fit Club” Little

Ohmigod!

This week’s award goes to a German man who decided to protest high gas prices by writing an angry letter, waving a sign in front of city hall, torching his car on the lawn in front of Frankfurt’s convention center in Berlin.  I kid you not NonProductive fans!

The 30-year-old unemployed man drove his black 1995 BMW 3-series sedan onto the convention lawn around 7:30 a.m. on Friday, doused the car in gasoline, and then watched it light up like a Christmas tree…that had been lit on fire.  Police say the man admitted to burning his car because he could no longer afford to put gas into the darn thing.

Why is this man my dumbass of the week?  The reason is because there are so many other things the man could have done with his car.  This includes:

1.  Sell the car for parts which is a profitable industry especially if you steal them.

2.  Recreate that White Snake video by dancing on the hood.

3.  Only use the car when needed.  Choose public transportation when available.

4.  Get a job so you can afford gas you lazy SOB.

For the full story, written miraculously in a serious manner, click here.

Congratulations random German man…you are NonProductive’s Dumbass of the Week!

Keep your flame bright,

Samantha “I would dance on your car hood” Little

Ohmigod!

I was super bored NonPro fans so I found this great South Park character generator and went crazy.  Enjoy!

The NonProductive-ites

A Very NonProductive Fairytale

NonProductive & The Loud Idiots About to Engage in Mortal Combat!

Create your own South Park characters here!  Feel free to post your favorites here!

Happy Creating!

xoxo,

Samantha “Cheerleader-Princess” Little

Please join NonProductive in wishing fellow satire great Stephen Colbert a very merry 44th Birthday. May your next birthday not be in the arms of Conan O’Brien!

<3

If you’re a guy in a relationship, I’ll wager that at some time, your lady has asked you to wear, or at least wondered out loud what you’d look like in a pink shirt.  I’ll bet that like most guys, you protested at the thought.  Guys do not wear pink - plain and simple.

This isn’t a matter of our maturity, our tolerance of others, or security in our masculinity.  Frankly, I’m more than a little tired of women throwing that old chestnut back at us time and again (”Oh… you don’t want to do it because you’re afraid you might like it…”).  The reason I don’t want to wear a pink shirt isn’t because I’m afraid of it.  I don’t want to wear a pink shirt because I don’t want to wear a pink shirt - plain and simple.  It’s the same reason that I don’t want to eat a plate of dog leavings.  I’m not afraid I’ll like it, or what anyone else will think of me for doing it.  It’s just something that I’m not interested in, nor will ever be interested in.  More power to the sick fucks who actually get off eating poop.  It’s just not something I’m ever going to try.  I KNOW I won’t like it.  And, don’t tell me not to knock it if I haven’t tried it.  There’s certain things in this world that I can safely say I won’t enjoy and about which refuse to give anyone the benefit of the doubt.  Pink shirts fall into that category.

Sometimes I think women ask us to wear pink shirts so that they can take a picture and brag to their girlfriends that they actually got us into a pink shirt.  Pink is the classic girl color, and it’s some kind of a power trip thing, I think.  Remember guys… there’s no shame in being asked to wear a pink shirt.  If you’re in a relationship, you will get asked at one time or another.  The shame is in actually doing it.

Am I the only one that thinks the founding fathers got it completely wrong with the amendment banning cruel and unusual punishment?

First off, are they banning punishment if it meets the criteria for being either cruel or unusual, or only if it’s both simulataneously?  Let’s start with unusual…  How are we defining unusual?  With laws (and punishments) differing in different municipalities, counties, and states…  how can you determine what is usual?  PLUS, every so often, you hear on the news about a judge that exercises “creative sentencing.”  What’s USUAL about that?

Frankly, I think we’ve already thrown “usual” out the window.  There are few standards left in punishment.  We send people to jail for years drug possession, while burnout celebrity starlets get an hour and a half in the slammer for potentially deadly DUIs.  Nobody can predict who’s going to get punished for what and what that punishment is.

So, let’s move on to cruel.  Now, isn’t the point of punishment to inflict some cruelty?  Punishment was never intended to consist of a hug, a blow job, and a scholarship.  It’s supposed to be something bad happening to you because you’ve done something bad.  Kind of a policy of enforced karma, if you will. A few weeks ago I caught an article about prison inmates that were accusing the jail of cruel and unusual punishment because as punishment, they were given a food product called “nutraloaf” or something like that.  More or less a meal blended into and cooked into loaf form.

So… being fed constitutes punishment now? 

Part of the problem is that the amendment doesn’t leave any definitions as to what the founding fathers thought was cruel and unusual.  This leaves a loophole for pretty much ANYONE in ANY SITUATION to cry and whine about supposed cruel and unusual punishment.

I hereby propose that this amendment be stricken, and that all punishment be standardized to being shot in the face.

Drug dealer - shoot him in the face

Shady contractor stealing from the government - shoot him in the face

Jaywalker - shoot him in the face

Returning library books late? - shot in the face

Seeing a pattern here?

It’s no secret that hoping for a Hillary/Obama hybrid candidate to sweep the election come November.  I’m not talking both of them on the same ticket.  I’m talking full-on genetic abomination, a-la The Fly.

But, occasionally I see a news story on Republicans of which I wholeheartedly approve.

Last week, I caught a bit on Yahoo! News about John McCain and President Bush having lunch together at the White House.  They had hot dogs.

This is newsworthy?????  Thanks a lot, overfed media.  That’s a really great use of time, money, and resources.  Jackasses…

But, got to thinking… and this is truly a gift to us.  I’d call it comic gold, but it’s really a comic onion, with various layers to examine.

First off is the dubious newsworthiness of the story to begin with.  But, that fades quickly.  So, peel back a few layers, and imagine this as the headline:

BUSH AND MCCAIN ENJOY WIENERS IN THEIR MOUTHS

Childish? - YES

Sophomoric? - YES

On that note, have an immature week