A NonProductive Blog

Ohmigod!

Some words leave a bitter, putrid taste in one’s mouth and spur so much anger and frustration that one is forced to void his or her bowels as a way to expunge the hate.  For me, that word is feminism. 

Before I continue, I must disclose that I am an average female born and raised in the great state of New Jersey.  That being said, I must now disclose my belief that without feminist movements, our country would not be the economic abortion it is today.  Allow me to start with a brief history lesson.  Back in the day, some lonely, unattractive women “wanted” to go to work, vote, and own property.  Some other lonely, unattractive women joined the cause and soon there was an amendment passed, women went to college, got jobs, and some other Birkenstock-worthy b***shit occurred.  Women had all these new rights and responsibilities.

How dare these bitches speak for me!  Who are they to decide that I should get a job, go to college, and inherit rampant credit card debt that comes with ownership of property.  If it were up to me, I would wake up each morning, see my fiancé off to work, clean my house, make him dinner, and make lots of babies.  That is what I want to do and my right to do so has been taken away by these bitches who would consider me lazy and ungrateful of their efforts to choose such a path.

Consider the following:  If the majority of women chose to be housewives instead of career driven maniacs, there would be more jobs available today for men.  Unemployment would drop dramatically.  Women would be out shopping for groceries and other things with their husbands’ monies thus driving the economy.  Let’s face it, being housewives would be the best thing we could do for our country.  Step up, make a sandwich, and be a patriot today!

~Sam

Some movies are remembered among names like The Ten Commandments, while others are remembered among war crimes such as Manos: The Hands of Fate. I’m happy to report that Hot Tub Time Machine fell somewhere between those two.

When I first heard the title months ago, while looking for upcoming movies with Chevy Chase (more on him later, and YES, I just admitted to that), I figured it wouldn’t be a time-travel comedy, but a drama about a bunch of guys lamenting their lost youth. I have never been happier to be wrong.

HTTM features a solid lead cast. Most notable is John Cusack, who skews somewhere between his performance in Better Off Dead and Grosse Point Blank, followed by Rob Corddry, who absolutely steals every scene he’s in. Rounding out the cast is Craig Robinson, most notably of The Office, and newcomer Clark Duke. The supporting cast is no less disappointing, featuring the legendary Chevy Chase, Crispin Glover ([i]Back to the Future[/i]’s George McFly, for those of you who don’t remember, who also, in my opinion has the best running gag in HTTM), and in a cameo I unfortunately missed, William Zabka (the bully from [i]The Karate Kid[/i]).

You’d expect a movie like this to be ridiculous, and little more than a series of poorly stung-together gags. Well, it delivers on the ridiculous (in a good way), but also actually has a decent story to back it up. I don’t want to give too much away, but it’s equal parts Harold and Kumar, any John Cusack movie from the 1980s, Frequency, and Back to the Future. I think the filmmakers could have gotten away with leaving out some of the toilet humor, because the rest of it really was solid enough.

Chevy Chase as the all-knowing-but-not-telling-anything zen Buddhist-type unexplained mystical time travel guru and hot tub repairman equals classic comic gold.

You have to see it to enjoy it. Bonus points for the soundtrack. Motley Crue hasn’t sounded this good in years. If you’ve ever wondered what would hapen if you gave time travel technology to four of the most irresponsible people in the world, I encourage you to watch and find out.

Hey, all

As those of you who know me personally are aware, I got married last year, to the awesomest woman on the planet. Now that she’s taken, I realize there’s little to no point in any of you trying to find someone, but for those of you who have managed to resist getting your souls crushed, I’d like to impart some useful wisdom that may help you on the way.

-First, check with the vehicle manufacturer for specifications on towing.

-If your tow vehicle is not so equipped, obtain an OEM tow hitch. Failing that, obtain an aftermarket hitch that falls within factory recommended towing specifications.

-Trailer weight should not exceed 40% of the tow vehicle’s weight.

-If you plan on doing a lot of towing with an automatic transmission vehicle, you may consider adding an aftermarket transmission fluid cooler to prolong unit longevity.

-Always check your mirrors twice and signal well in advance of any turn or lane change.

-Oh, and your penis goes INside of the woman.

Happy motoring!

Ohmigod!

It’s no surprise that I am a complainer and this is one offender that cannot go unchecked.  I am so tired of the ‘Go Green’ campaign.  Everyone is pushing it and I, for one, am sick and tired of getting dirty looks for not purchasing the lame-ass reusable cloth bag at the grocery store.  I know I am not going to bring it back to use again and inflation is way too high to spare the $1.99.  On a side note, all of these hippies are preventing drilling in
Alaska or the Bermuda Triangle or wherever all the oil is chilling.  I have no proof of the claim but it sounds plausible.

Need more proof that ‘Go Green’ is pretty lame?  Check out this link.  This is absurd!!!

I say we need to stop making the earth such a spectacle.  It’s kind of like that old rape story from a few years ago.  Basically, when one person witnesses a crime, he/she is more likely to help out than if a whole group of people are witnessing it.  If I think I am the only one caring about the environment, than I will be more inclined to do my part.  All of this attention to the issue just makes me feel annoyed and convinces me that someone else will pick up the slack. 

<3

Samantha “One Person Makes a Difference” Little 

Ohmigod! 

When I was a small child, I used to watch Super Market Sweep on Lifetime.  I was endlessly fascinated by the fact a sole individual on the red team could run around and manage to grab $800 in groceries plus a super bonus, the mystery product, and an extra $200 for finding the dented can of creamed corn in a barrel of string beans.  They would eventually end up with some $1200 in groceries thus sending them to bonus round.   

I loved this show.  There were thrills in the three minutes of shopping, mystery in the bonus round clues, and tears in the agony of not grabbing that $5000 money fan.  When I go the grocery store today, I like to imagine that I am on the show.  I go as quickly through the isles as I can, being careful to avoid screaming children and frail, slow-moving old people.  I don’t stop to compare prices as this will surely bring my final total down.  I look carefully for ‘bonuses’ in the form of fake discounted merchandise.  For example, is there anything better than finding a product that is one for $2 or 2 for $3.99? 

Your next trip to the grocery store should be fun and enjoyable rather than a case of penny pinching.  The next time you want to whine and bitch about food costs, just remember that those people who worry about the extra quarter milk costs will never be the ones to win ‘the big sweep.’ 

Till Next Time! 

<3 

Your Friendly Neighborhood Shopping Addict Optimist,

Samantha ‘If I Was a Rich Girl’ Little 

P. S.  Raise the cost of my stylish Old Navy flip flops and I’ll cut you

Ohmigod!!! 

Vanity license plates and their owners are retarded. 

Don’t try to dispute it.  There is no argument.  Vanity license plates and their owners are retarded. 

Perhaps it is unfair of me to make such a controversial statement without explaining my rationale.  I was driving to NonProductive today on scenic Route 1.  Bored with driving, I decided to let my eyes wander and see if anything interesting was going on that I could bitch about on NonPro.  My eyes landed to the car in front of me which had the distinctive license plate, ‘CRAZD.’  I could not believe that an individual would pay money just to advertise their mental handicap.   

We all like to imagine that driving around with a license plate that says something ‘clever’ like ‘2FAST4U’ would automatically increase your cool factor.  Unfortunately, in the real would, it makes you look retarded. 

Outside of this terrible story of Route 1 distractions, there are several other reasons why such plates suck the big one. 

1. It makes you easy for others to remember you:  Thinking of a hit a run?  Want to rob a convenience store and need a getaway car?  Don’t even think of using a car with a vanity plate.  Others have a tendency to remember such retarded plates like ‘CRAZD’ and therefore could easily inform the CIA of your terrorist activity.  On the other hand, the New York car, whose owner was driving like a typical NY drunken asshole, will never be spotted again.  Why?  His license plate was some gibberish that my slack-ass mind could not even begin to try and memorize.
2. You come off as insane to others:  Is it fair to assume that ‘CRAZD’ was mentally handicap?  Yes.  Normal individuals do not want to be called ‘crazy,’ ‘handicapped’, or ‘insane in the membrane.’  Perhaps the government should begin to use vanity plates so normal individuals can spot idiots without ever interacting with them; thus, they will have ample opportunity to speed past them.  Such plates could include, ‘3DUI S,’ ‘FAT 360,’ and ‘BLINDDR.’
3. Time and energy does not bring benefits:  As I write this I recall that episode of The Simpsons where Marge goes to the DMV to get a vanity plate and eventually ends up debating ‘NITZY.’  What lazy, unemployed, piece of sh*t would take the time and energy to willingly go to the DMV just to get a vanity plate.  This is the reason why you go to the DMV to get your license renewed and end up waiting in a chair for three days just to find out you don’t have enough points to prove who you are.  I know that ‘CRAZD’ spent a good couple of days, if not weeks, between Warped Tour 2008 and a Ron Paul campaign rally, thinking about this plate.  RETARD!!!

The next time a vanity plate that says ‘H0TT1E’ seems tempted just remember these words of wisdom:  no matter what the plate it says, it still says ‘R3TARD.’ 

‘1LUVU’ 

<3 

Samantha ‘Plate Hater’ Little 

P. S. If you plate says ‘R3DRUM,’ you should start heading for the Canadian border now.  The cops have been trailing you for years.

If you’re a guy in a relationship, I’ll wager that at some time, your lady has asked you to wear, or at least wondered out loud what you’d look like in a pink shirt.  I’ll bet that like most guys, you protested at the thought.  Guys do not wear pink - plain and simple.

This isn’t a matter of our maturity, our tolerance of others, or security in our masculinity.  Frankly, I’m more than a little tired of women throwing that old chestnut back at us time and again (”Oh… you don’t want to do it because you’re afraid you might like it…”).  The reason I don’t want to wear a pink shirt isn’t because I’m afraid of it.  I don’t want to wear a pink shirt because I don’t want to wear a pink shirt - plain and simple.  It’s the same reason that I don’t want to eat a plate of dog leavings.  I’m not afraid I’ll like it, or what anyone else will think of me for doing it.  It’s just something that I’m not interested in, nor will ever be interested in.  More power to the sick fucks who actually get off eating poop.  It’s just not something I’m ever going to try.  I KNOW I won’t like it.  And, don’t tell me not to knock it if I haven’t tried it.  There’s certain things in this world that I can safely say I won’t enjoy and about which refuse to give anyone the benefit of the doubt.  Pink shirts fall into that category.

Sometimes I think women ask us to wear pink shirts so that they can take a picture and brag to their girlfriends that they actually got us into a pink shirt.  Pink is the classic girl color, and it’s some kind of a power trip thing, I think.  Remember guys… there’s no shame in being asked to wear a pink shirt.  If you’re in a relationship, you will get asked at one time or another.  The shame is in actually doing it.

Am I the only one that thinks the founding fathers got it completely wrong with the amendment banning cruel and unusual punishment?

First off, are they banning punishment if it meets the criteria for being either cruel or unusual, or only if it’s both simulataneously?  Let’s start with unusual…  How are we defining unusual?  With laws (and punishments) differing in different municipalities, counties, and states…  how can you determine what is usual?  PLUS, every so often, you hear on the news about a judge that exercises “creative sentencing.”  What’s USUAL about that?

Frankly, I think we’ve already thrown “usual” out the window.  There are few standards left in punishment.  We send people to jail for years drug possession, while burnout celebrity starlets get an hour and a half in the slammer for potentially deadly DUIs.  Nobody can predict who’s going to get punished for what and what that punishment is.

So, let’s move on to cruel.  Now, isn’t the point of punishment to inflict some cruelty?  Punishment was never intended to consist of a hug, a blow job, and a scholarship.  It’s supposed to be something bad happening to you because you’ve done something bad.  Kind of a policy of enforced karma, if you will. A few weeks ago I caught an article about prison inmates that were accusing the jail of cruel and unusual punishment because as punishment, they were given a food product called “nutraloaf” or something like that.  More or less a meal blended into and cooked into loaf form.

So… being fed constitutes punishment now? 

Part of the problem is that the amendment doesn’t leave any definitions as to what the founding fathers thought was cruel and unusual.  This leaves a loophole for pretty much ANYONE in ANY SITUATION to cry and whine about supposed cruel and unusual punishment.

I hereby propose that this amendment be stricken, and that all punishment be standardized to being shot in the face.

Drug dealer - shoot him in the face

Shady contractor stealing from the government - shoot him in the face

Jaywalker - shoot him in the face

Returning library books late? - shot in the face

Seeing a pattern here?

Those of you who have been following the voting for the 2008 Loud Idiots Movie Awards are aware that as of the writing of this post, “Rowdy” Roddy Piper is currently leading the pack for Worst Performance by a Professional Wrestler for his role as Sam Hell in 1987’s Hell Comes to Frogtown.

 Now, I’ve never done drugs in my life, so the only explanation as to why this one is in my DVD collection is that I was bored late one night while buying an unwise amount of junkfood at the supermarket, and saw this “bargain” DVD near the register.  This was a thoroughly terrible movie.  I don’t remember much about the plot and refuse to re-watch it for purposes of a recap.  Thanks to IMDB, I know remember that this movie takes place after a major war.  Women now run the USA and Sam Hell (valuable for his fertility having survived the nuclear/whatever war) is at their mercy to rescue a group of fertile women, valuable for their fertility.  He wants no part in this.  He is forced to do their bidding, though, when they hold him hostage by strapping a fucking bomb to his junk.

 I don’t remember how it ends, nor do I want to.  I sat through it once, and I’ll only do so again in the interest of punishing another person.

So, one might expect this piece of cinematic diarrhea to be long gone and forgotten.  Amazingly enough… not so.  Apparently, in 1993, someone stood up and said, “you know, Hell Comes to Frogtown was a damn fine piece of cinema, but I think we can do better…”

And thus, the world was gifted with the afterbirth known as Frogtown II (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0106970/).  Never seen it, but it’s got Lou Ferrigno in a supporting role.  No Roddy Piper.  Sounds like even better MST3K fodder than Hell Comes to Frogtown.  If the first one was a B-movie, this one had to be a C-movie.

I wish it could tell you it ended there, but in 1996, as Bill Clinton duked it out with Bob Dole, along came a movie known as Toad Warrior http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0117930/ (AKA Hell Comes to Frogtown 3).  I’ll bet Mel Gibson is spinning in his grave…  Someone up there must like me because IMDB has an empty plot synopsis.  All I can tell (from the movie poster) is that the new lead is named Max Hell.

 With the dawn of the new century, one might think we were out of the dark.  Hardly.  I give you 2002’s straight to video (the others were released theatrically?) Max Hell Comes to Frogtown http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0342750/ Once again, thankfully, no plot synopsis.

So, FOUR fucking Frogtown movies, but no Ghostbusters 3 and no Back to the Future 4?  Fuck.  I hate Hollywood.