IMPORTANT! Lindsey is talking.
On Tuesday April 8th, 2008, VH1’s “Best Week Ever” managing editor Alex Blagg posted a top ten list entitled “Top 10 Tips For Writing An Awesomely Funny Top 10 List On The Internet.” That, of course, gave me the inspiration to write the following amazingly questionable-at-best Top Ten list. VH1, I blame you!
Top 10 Reasons NonProductive Should be Taken Off the Air – Immediately!
10.) BLIND DRIVER STORIES
I mean - do we look for stories about blind drivers? There CANNOT be that many of them in the world, yet somehow we have managed to have multiple - that’s right – more than one story about blind drivers. I’m calling shenanigans at this point. Either the stories are fake or we go out of our way to find them and put them on the air. Bad journalism, my friends. Bad journalism.
9.) GIGGLING RETARD SYNDROME PROMO
Now, there may be some of you out there that have no idea what the GRS promo is. Well, that means only one thing - you don’t listen to the show. Like never. Like not for even 13 seconds once because you accidentally stumbled upon hearnewbrunswick.com on Thursday night, probably high or drunk, looking for some YouTube video about a sneezing panda or something. We play the GRS promo all the time. Why? We’re too lazy to actually record another promo. And it’s funny, I guess, to those born with no sense of humor. Sure, make fun of the dumb girls who can read their lines.
8.) BLATENT RACISM, SEXISM, AGISM…
I mean it. How the hell do we get away with some of the things we say? Is it because we’re cute, innocent girls? Then what is Frank’s excuse, or mine for that matter? Do we really hate everyone? It’s possible. But we haven’t gotten hate mail, yet, which means only one thing - we’re not nearly offensive enough.
7.) SERVER STORIES
You get it. Sam and I are servers. You get it. We hate our jobs. You get it. We hate kids, teenagers, lover birds, old people, young people, all people, those who can’t tip, those who can’t order, water no ice drinkers, menu item modifiers, large parties with split checks, small parties with split checks, and, well, the list goes on, but I guess you get the point. So, why do we spend so much time on our server stories? Well, it’s what we know and what we do. Besides, we have the mic. Take us off the air if you don’t like it. Oh, I guess that what this list is about. My bad.
6.) HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL
I agree, plain and simple. Make it end. Relieve us from our misery!
5.) RICK ROLLING
For those of you that haven’t heard the show recently, we have ventured into the world of Rick Rolling. If you don’t know what Rick Rolling is at this point, then you’ve obviously been living under a rock for the past month and, in doing so, have definitely let Rick Astley down. Nonetheless, Rick Rolling has become a very popular prank on NonProductive. So, popular, in fact that we’ve Rick Rolled more than our fair share of people. More offensively, however, is that we have now resorted to using the song as our bumper music, A LOT. I guess we’re just “never gonna give it up.”
4.) SAM + LINDSEY + FRANK
The Trifecta. The devilish trio. Partners in crime. A laundry list of terms that mean one thing. Cancer. No, wait, I mean a trio of radio personalities that give you cancer - I think. The foul things that come out of our mouths are enough to make even the strongest man break down and cry like the red-headed step child he is. Really. Give it a try - if you dare - you little pansy.
3.) THE LOUD IDIOTS
Even Sam and I are sorry about this one. Don’t get me wrong, we love the guys – but, like you, we know that when the Loud Idiots and Frank get together, a conglomerate of comic book, wrestling, movie, and cartoon knowledge take over, and those unfamiliar quickly get bitch-slapped by terms unknown to the common man.
2.) MANOS, THE HANDS OF FATE
I should have known that NonPro was doomed after watching Manos, the Hands of Fate, with the crew, voluntarily. It takes a sick, twisted mind to try to watch something like that - and those sick twisted minds do a radio show, every Thursday night from eight to ten.
1.) TOP TEN LISTS
Top Ten lists are frequently used on NonPro – Top Ten Sexiest Jobs, Top Ten Best Alternate Endings to Harry Potter, Top Ten Reasons to not be a Radio Personality - you get the point. Why? They usually aren’t funny and the top one choice is usually a big disappointment - much like this one. Thanks for wasting your time.