A NonProductive Blog

“A very special sketch retrospective of this year in NonProductive.”

Season: 11
Network: WRSU
Host: Jim Schreyer

• NonProductive Wiki Article for this Show :: March 31, 2008

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Those of you who have been following the voting for the 2008 Loud Idiots Movie Awards are aware that as of the writing of this post, “Rowdy” Roddy Piper is currently leading the pack for Worst Performance by a Professional Wrestler for his role as Sam Hell in 1987’s Hell Comes to Frogtown.

 Now, I’ve never done drugs in my life, so the only explanation as to why this one is in my DVD collection is that I was bored late one night while buying an unwise amount of junkfood at the supermarket, and saw this “bargain” DVD near the register.  This was a thoroughly terrible movie.  I don’t remember much about the plot and refuse to re-watch it for purposes of a recap.  Thanks to IMDB, I know remember that this movie takes place after a major war.  Women now run the USA and Sam Hell (valuable for his fertility having survived the nuclear/whatever war) is at their mercy to rescue a group of fertile women, valuable for their fertility.  He wants no part in this.  He is forced to do their bidding, though, when they hold him hostage by strapping a fucking bomb to his junk.

 I don’t remember how it ends, nor do I want to.  I sat through it once, and I’ll only do so again in the interest of punishing another person.

So, one might expect this piece of cinematic diarrhea to be long gone and forgotten.  Amazingly enough… not so.  Apparently, in 1993, someone stood up and said, “you know, Hell Comes to Frogtown was a damn fine piece of cinema, but I think we can do better…”

And thus, the world was gifted with the afterbirth known as Frogtown II (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0106970/).  Never seen it, but it’s got Lou Ferrigno in a supporting role.  No Roddy Piper.  Sounds like even better MST3K fodder than Hell Comes to Frogtown.  If the first one was a B-movie, this one had to be a C-movie.

I wish it could tell you it ended there, but in 1996, as Bill Clinton duked it out with Bob Dole, along came a movie known as Toad Warrior http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0117930/ (AKA Hell Comes to Frogtown 3).  I’ll bet Mel Gibson is spinning in his grave…  Someone up there must like me because IMDB has an empty plot synopsis.  All I can tell (from the movie poster) is that the new lead is named Max Hell.

 With the dawn of the new century, one might think we were out of the dark.  Hardly.  I give you 2002’s straight to video (the others were released theatrically?) Max Hell Comes to Frogtown http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0342750/ Once again, thankfully, no plot synopsis.

So, FOUR fucking Frogtown movies, but no Ghostbusters 3 and no Back to the Future 4?  Fuck.  I hate Hollywood.

NEWSFLASH: Man is sexually molested by Bigfoot.

And if that’s not enough for you, the NonPro gang talks about the great Supernatural Shows of the past, like:

– In Search Of…
– Scariest Places on Earth
– UFO Hunters
– Ghost Hunters
– Destination Truth
– Paranormal State
– Fear
– Myth Busters
– Weird US
– and… Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction

Season: 11
Network: Click Radio
Host: Samantha Little

• Show Wiki for March 27, 2008 :: Show Wiki
• NonProductive Forums! :: Forums
• NonProductive Blogs! :: Blogs

File Download (120:00 min / 55 MB)

“Click Radio’s Sam and Frank visit WRSU and write poetry about corpses.”

Season: 11
Network: WRSU
Host: Jim Schreyer

• NonProductive Wiki Article for this Show :: March 24, 2008

File Download (57:44 min / 26 MB)

You know I don't normally agree with anything a Conservative person has to say, but commies are indeed, not cool. Communism has killed almost as many people as Christianity has over the centuries, and Communism has only really been prevalent in the last century.

I read up on Che Guevarra, and he was basically the Osama bin Laden of the 60's and 70's. He wanted to foment Civil War wherever he went, in the name of Socialism. He is seen as a hero of the common people, and the class disparity in South America meant that he had many people willing to listen to him. The huge wealth gap in South and Central America today is why Che is still revered there. The problem is that most Civil Wars only end with the slaughter of those who they are ostensibly supposed to be helping - the poor and voiceless - and the people who win are generally as bad as the ones they replace. Much of the wrath of South American Revolutionaries is directed at the U.S., but the U.S. only screwed with South and Central America so much because of the Cold War. If Che and Fidel hadn't aligned themselves with the United States greatest enemy, then we most likely would have left them alone.

And for those who love Che, btw, he has said that he would have launched the nukes Cuba had against the United States. So if it were up to Che, none of us would be here right now. The man himself was less important than what was made of him postmortem. He became a symbol of revolution. The fact is none of his actual revolutions produced anything more than brutal military regimes. The only one that survived was Cuba, and that is due way more to Castro than Che. In fact, Che seemed to fail at his only chance to really be in charge of govt. in Cuba. His methods of violence were antithetical to a peaceful society, and in that way he showed more of a Stalinist nature. which we all know isn't good for anyone.

In the end Che is really more of a tragic figure than a romantic or inspirational one. Right now his image fuels capitalism in the form of Che merchandise, and how much of that money do you think goes to poor people in South America? Che is the Tupac Shakur of social revolutionaries, more important in Death than in Life. What he fought for was worth fighting for; how he went about it was wrong. Even Castro said that Che had aggressive tendencies, and his inability to work with others is what doomed all of his attempted revolutions. That's why the only place he was really successful was in Cuba, where he had Castro to temper his passion and ideas.

Author Christopher Hitchens, who was a socialist and a supporter of the Cuban revolution in the 1960s but has since changed his views, summarized Guevara's legacy thus: "Che's iconic status was assured because he failed. His story was one of defeat and isolation, and that's why it is so seductive. Had he lived, the myth of Che would have long since died." [stolen from wikipedia].

In the end, Capitalism isn't perfect, but there is not one Communist country in the world that is doing well economically, except for China, and China has more problems than you can believe, including intense religious persecution and more Civil Rights abuses than in all 8 years of Dubya's administration. Not a good track record for the Commies, but they kick ass at the Olympics

NonProductive strike out on Karaoke, Baseball Season, Foul Mouthed Waiters, Fat People Dating, and High School Musical DDR in this awe-inspiring and pathetic episode!

Season: 11
Network: Click Radio
Host: Samantha Little

• Show Wiki for March 20, 2008 :: Show Wiki
• Vote on NonProductive! :: Blogs
• Join the Forums :: Forums

File Download (120:00 min / 55 MB)

In honor (dread?) of the upcoming Loud Idiot Movie Awards, we here at NonProductive have kept tradition alive and agreed to host some of the voting on this year’s categories. And boy, did those idiots provide some f*cked up categories…

Enjoy!

You have to Register/Login to vote!

Sam gets a chip on her shoulder and gives everyone hell. Too hot for TV!

Season: 11
Network: Click Radio
Host: Samantha Little

• Show Wiki for March 13, 2008 :: Show Wiki
• NonProductive is blogging :: Blogs
• NonProductive :: Main Site

File Download (120:00 min / 55 MB)

Charles Bramner tells you what tomorrow’s consensus will be
by Charles Bramner, Tastemaker

Eliot Spitzer fucked up: Everyone knows that to avoid federal investigators, you should use the moderately-priced hookers and rent them from the area you’re staying in, to avoid raising red flags with federal accountants and state-line patrollers. True, Washington is known for having the lowest, dirtiest whores in the country, but Spitzer could’ve asked for Trent Lott’s guy. You’re making Jim McGreevey look like Donny Osmond.

John McCain should raise his arms: I mean seriously, Senator. Didn’t the army have a physical therapist available after they let you off the rack at the Hanoi Hilton? The next president ought to be able to answer the red phone at 3 AM, but can this guy even do that if he’s sleeping and it’s up by his head?

John Mellancamp is underrated: Why’d you lose the “Cougar”? People need to know where your heart is. Wear it! Roar!

Britney Spears is craazy (note second ‘a’): News flash: birth control is the new getting high, nailing guys unprotected, and squeezing out babies. Drop the dick, psycho!

And the Oscar for dumbest award name goes to: The Oscar.

Barack Obama is black? 

Zacarias Moussaoui: This guy should’ve been convicted for being all kinds of French, not the Muslim part.

Tony Snow’s cancer is in remission: But his heart is still black. The only thing standing between him and the Neocon Hall of Fame is a Jewish surname.

Rush Limbaugh, I’m out of pills: Do you have a guy? Seriously, I fucking need my shit.

The Sopranos was the best show on television: Now it’s like Hillarycare, in syndication. Wait, what? That doesn’t make any sense. Why won’t my backspace work? Why do I keep on writing this item? I’m still doing it! Note: delete this later.

Heath Ledger, I’m out of pills: I really need something already. Oxycontin, Oxy-10, Oxy Clean, I don’t care, just give me something.

Hot this spring: Red things. Everywhere. Watch for it!

Kollege kampus killers need to knock it off: I mean it. If we run out of college students, who’s going to buy my really cheaply made food?

And those are tomorrow’s opinions, today. Almost makes you wonder why even need time to continue its progression, no?

First of all, R.I.P. to the NO-TO-RI-O, US, you were the Best. Christopher Wallace, May 21, 1972 – March 9, 1997.

Ok, that being said, let’s move on to this week’s topic. Emo Music seems to be a recent affliction, a plague that is being suffered only by today’s younger generations. But like most music, Emo existed in a purer, better form long ago when it existed under another name; Soul music. Sad love songs have been around forever, but I believe that the particular sort of woe-is-me genre of sad love song that typifies Yes, I’m not talking about punk music where Emo is generally thought to come from, the origin of super-sad love songs comes from the Soul music of the 60’s and 70’s. If you don’t believe me, I have some examples for you.
Let’s start with "Sideshow" by Blue magic, 1974.

"Let the sideshow begin (Hurry, hurry)
Hurry, hurry, step right on in
Can't afford to pass it by
Guaranteed to make you cry

See the man who's been cryin' for a million years, so many tears
(So many tears)
See the girl who's collected broken hearts for souvenirs
It's more exciting than a one man band
The saddest little show in all the land"

That’s just a small sample. If you listen to the whole song, you had better be in a pretty good mood or it will really get to you. This song is just sad for no damn good reason. It is especially horrific if you visualize a circus where people go specifically to see people who are horribly and irrevocably depressed and/or get off on the sadness of others. It would be like having tours of Psych Wards. Even I think that’s sick, and as you all know, I’m an immoral savage. Next up we have "Tears of a Clown by Smokey Robinson and the Miracles from 1967:

"Now if there's a smile on my face
It's only there trying to fool the public
But when it comes down to fooling you
Now honey that's quite a different subject

But don't let my glad expression
Give you the wrong impression
Cos really I'm sad, Oh I'm sadder than sad
Well I'm hurt and I want you so bad
Like a clown I appear to be glad ooh yeah"

This one I’m sure we can all relate to, and it was written back in the 60’s. This is also what I consider to be one of the happiest sad songs ever. Seriously, if you haven’t heard this song, #1 shame on you and #2 try and sit still while listening. It has an incredibly upbeat and danceable rhythm to it. Just like the song, the happy music masks the sad content of the lyrics. The song has the added bonus of self-flagellation by referring to the singer as a "clown" for letting the woman go, and for playing the part of a happy guy while he’s a mental wreck inside. There is so much subtext to this song, it really is the ground floor of Emo. We like to think that everything great was made in the last 3 years, but it turns out that this just isn’t true. Let’s go to another heart breaker, "Cause I love You" by Lenny Williams, from 1975. The setup is pretty simple; man loses woman, who, apparently, he loves.

"And finally I went to bed, but I found myself waking up a few hours later
And the tears were running down my face
And my friend told me, he said, Lenny,
You just oughta forget about her
But I told my friend, I said, You know
Maybe you’ve never been in love like I’ve been in love
And maybe you’ve never felt the things that I’ve felt
But this is what I told my friend
I said, You know, sometimes you get lonely
You get lonely, you get lonely
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
And I cry, I cry"

Not only are the words to this song powerful, and there’s a heart rending spoken part, part of which is quoted above, but the real emphasis is from the way Lenny sings it. You don’t feel like he’s singing a song, you feel like you’re watching a play, you feel like he’s on his knees in the rain and the woman he loves is on her porch in front of him shaking her head no. He is literally pouring his heart into the microphone and it was recorded. I personally doubt Williams sung this song more than once, because he lost party of his soul when he sang it the first time. I really think he put more into this song than he meant to. There’s a rare film of Lenny Williams attempting to sing this song, but only being able to croak out vague resemblance of the original version. I dare you to find a Deathcab for Cutie or Yellowcard song that elicits this kind of passion. You just can’t.
If you want more examples, email me. I can keep them coming The point is anything you like is probably stolen. And if you really like it, it was probably stolen from a Black person ;)